I unfortunately did lose the baby last month. I took a pregnancy test and I was shocked. When I read the pregnancy test, I really was which was weird because not only did we plan this pregnancy but we already have a child so I wasn’t sure why I felt so shocked that it said positive. Immediately, I knew this was gonna sound insane but knowing that other women have felt this, makes me feel a lot less crazy.
Immediately, I knew the baby wasn’t gonna make it from the moment. I looked at the positive pregnancy test, I don’t know why I just looked at it and I knew that baby would never come into this world. I can’t explain it but I knew that I also have anxiety and I think a lot of crazy stuff every day. I said to myself Jesse (me) you’ve had a son before like you’re gonna have this baby and this baby’s gonna come into this world.
I was pregnant but I didn’t want to celebrate until I heard the heartbeat. I remember my mom wanted to come up with a baby name she was so excited and I just told her, I didn’t want to do anything until heard the heartbeat because that’s when I thought that I would see the baby not alive or I’m not there at all like I just thought something was gonna be wrong and I know that sounds morbid but that was my train of thinking and I’m gonna let you know exactly what I was thinking throughout this process.
Eight weeks and three days that was the first ultrasound that we did and I saw the baby the heart was beating so strongly and I was like Jesse(me). I think you’re insane. After that, I went again to an elective ultrasound place it was because I felt so good like I had no pregnancy symptoms but that wasn’t the whole reason I just thought that maybe I needed to check if the heart was still beating before I make an announcement.
So at 10 weeks, I made the announcement. I didn’t have another ultrasound scheduled until January 5th which was a genetic appointment where you go and they check if there’s fluid in the neck to diagnose with any genetic disorders, etc and those two weeks waiting for that ultrasound after the last one that I had were the longest two weeks ever.
At 11 weeks I started feeling the baby kick. I tweeted about that I was like oh my god it’s only 11 weeks and I feel the baby kicking and some people are like no it’s just gas you can’t feel a baby that early other people are like yeah it’s your second baby you feel him earlier and the whole gas thing as I know what gas feels like about a baby kick like when you have gas and you’re pregnant sometimes, it flutters across your pelvis and that could be gas and that’s not what I was talking about like the baby would kick in the same spot it happened every day.
After 11 weeks it happened every day for like five days and then it stopped and I remember looking at Nasim(husband) and I was like I didn’t feel a baby today and he’s like it’s okay don’t worry you know it’s still tiny and I told my mom. I was like Mom I don’t feel him. He’s not kicking anymore she’s like it’s fine it’s so small like the fact that you felt it at all was great you know it’s so early to feel the kick in retrospect.
I did make excuses in my head although I knew what that meant. I made a bunch of excuses and also my belly was showing and I was you know when you’re pregnant you’re bloated in that area and it makes you look like you’re super pregnant. I had a bump like it was a firm hard bump there and I guess I just convinced myself that even though I didn’t feel a baby move.
It was all okay because I was still growing a bump and everything was fine but then I stopped feeling pregnant altogether like I know I was feeling good before but there were things like my husband making coffee that made me want to throw up everything was like uh and I had food aversions and that all just went away, these were 14 weeks pregnant symptoms of miscarriage.
The morning that I went to the genetic appointment and that morning was weird. During that car ride, I felt like I was gonna throw up I was completely panicking that miscarriage is not going to happen at 14 weeks, we have come a far. I felt like I knew what I was about to see it was very very bizarre, and when I went in the ultrasound tech tried to do an abdominal ultrasound right away. They weren’t allowing my husband to come because of Corona and all of that stuff so I was just gonna go to the appointment by myself and Nasim was like no I need to go with you and I was like no you can’t go with me he’s like I’ll wait in the car outside.
She (the nurse) was like oh I think that your uterus is facing a certain way I didn’t even know what she said but she was trying to like to make an excuse which I understand she was trying to be nice and she was like well let me go grab the doctor she has to see you anyway so maybe she’ll want to do the vaginal ultrasound because that’s what they ended up having to do and I still was in denial.
They did the vaginal ultrasound and even though I knew the baby wasn’t the size it should have been at 13 weeks. I was like maybe you know it’s just small. I don’t know I was still trying to make excuses until they did that thing on the ultrasound where it flashes red and blue wherever I guess like blood is flowing and that’s how you can tell where the heart is and how it’s beating.
As soon as I did that it was red and blue around the baby but not where it should have been and I knew before she said a word so I just said I know I know what happened and she was like I’m so sorry and I just started sobbing. I didn’t know what to do man crying maybe it was a dumb idea. I’m thankful that the ultrasound tech and the doctor were super nice and they were like do you have anyone that’s here for you downstairs or anywhere.
I was like my husband’s here so they let me call him up but my phone didn’t have service it was like a series of unfortunate events so I had to call him on the office phone and I didn’t want to freak him out. I was just like can you come up and he just came in and I told him it’s gone and that was it we spoke to the specialist and she called my OB-GYN and my OB-GYN called me to discuss my options although I knew what I wanted I wanted a DNC.
A DNC is a surgery a very quick surgery where they just take everything out of your uterus and you don’t have to miscarry by yourself at home which I knew for a fact I could not handle. I know other people are way stronger than me that can do that but I also knew the baby wasn’t tiny and I didn’t want to have to go through that pain.
Honestly, this whole situation disturbed me a lot I didn’t know that you could still have the baby inside of you even when it’s gone. I thought that it would just come out like you know your body would just be like oh this didn’t work and you would just start bleeding. I had no signs of a miscarriage. I was not bleeding anything was different I had no pain the only thing is that my symptoms started to wear away from my pregnancy.
I just wanted to do the DNC and get it all done with and my doctor my OB-GYN is the most amazing human being and she just told me you know if that’s what you feel that you can’t handle the miscarriage at home then let’s do the DNC.
We’ll get you in and that’s that so I went to an appointment where I signed consent forms and they let me know what was gonna happen. I got my prescriptions for pain that was on a Wednesday and then I was scheduled for Friday for my DNC.
I got there on Friday when I was supposed to and they put an IV in me I took medicine that you’re supposed to take before your surgery all of that and then my doctor came in and was like they had an emergency in the hospital because of corona they shut down all inpatient surgeries and so if there’s an emergency that comes in they bump everyone.
She just told me you know they’re telling us 1 am for the time where you can get your DNC done it was like three so she was like you can either stay or you can go and we can reschedule you for Monday and she was really sweet about it I mean there’s nothing pleasant about going home knowing you can miscarry at any second by yourself but regardless I went home and I said we’ll do it on Monday and I waited until Monday.
My surgery went well I’m very grateful for the option of a DNC I know not every woman experiences what I experienced with the surgery some experience horror stories you’re always gonna hear the good and bad with every choice that you have but at the end of the day, none of them are good choices they’re just choices you have to make so for me.
I’m really happy that the DNC was an option for me they put you under general anesthesia so I was asleep the entire time. I did cry a lot before they put me under when you go into an or and you’re awake and they like put your arms out like I had to when I had a c-section it was all triggering so I just started sobbing like I couldn’t help myself and my doctor held my hand and she started talking to me about my son I just started talking to her about it which made me calm.
Then I don’t remember anything else I just went under during that conversation and I woke up and that was that I was in very little pain I honestly felt nothing it was like the mildest of period cramps I mean I have horrible period cramps so I don’t know if that’s why but I just looked at the nurse I was like did you put painkillers in my IV.
She’s like no I mean just the medicines you took before I was like because I don’t feel pain. Everyone had prepared me for pain the nurses I mean I got prescribed Percocet for crying out loud i was like okay this is gonna be bad i was also expecting a lot of blood and I’m very lucky that that was not the case for me at least. I wipe a tiny tiny bit of blood like there’s nothing. I feel completely normal.
I did ask my doctor before like what they do with the baby because I was like do you guys just like throw it away like what happens to it you know like it’s just like a weird question but it’s just you wonder what they do with it because it wasn’t like this big you know it was a growing fetus.
She said that they send it off to pathology to get it tested and when she said that I did get a little nervous because during pathology when they’re testing if there was any genetic thing that made the baby stop growing they also tell you the gender.
I didn’t want to know actually for this pregnancy I took an early gender test called sneak peek you can like buy it online from there I was told I was having a boy i’m not sure if it’s right or not because who knows it’s like an at-home blood test. I suck at everything so I might have ruined it just I don’t know I don’t want to know for sure.
I just think the hardest part of a miscarriage is that when you find out you’re pregnant your brain develops all these ideas you know like all these things that are gonna happen and this idea of the future and it’s all just cut right then and they’re like no that’s not happening for you as shitty as this was and it was shitty.
I believe that everything happens for a reason everything good and bad if we could see the outcome of whether that baby would have made it or not. I’m sure we would understand more of why this had to happen but it did happen and I know it happened for a reason.
I know I can survive it As you know my mentality is already so fragile all the time that I was just scared but you know what we went through we were both really strong in this situation has made me appreciate my husband even more than I did before Nasim has been amazing.
We’re just there for each other in every single way that we both need each other in this moment and it’s brought us closer together. I am grateful for that and my son I just look at Noah(son) and I look at him like a miracle I’m like how did that even happen when things like this happen you feel like your body is just broken and it’s not it’s not.
I still want a baby it just didn’t happen right now overall. I’m okay. I’ve been processing it as well as I can I’m trying not to push down any feelings just to feel them all as they come I don’t want to pretend like this didn’t happen or like it didn’t affect me.
It’s easy for people to say well you know it was still so tiny and it’s fine You could try again like obviously, I know that but that was my baby. I felt that baby inside of me saw that baby. I heard the baby’s heart. It’s a hard feeling but anyway, that’s what happened and I honestly just want to move forward.
I suffer already enough from depression and anxiety and I don’t want to drag myself into a place where I can’t find myself anymore. I don’t think I deserve that after going through what I went through so I just want to find a healthy way to move forward anyway. I hope my miscarriage story at 14 weeks will make you feel less lonely and that one day, we’ll have a happier ending. I’ll be able to share exciting news with you and there will be better days.