A lot of people asked, “Were we trying for a baby?” and the answer was yes. We managed to get pregnant in the first month — in the first go! I was shocked.
So, I took a pregnancy test after getting spotting during my period. It wasn’t like a full-on period; it was literally like you wipe a tissue and there was a little bit of blood there. At the time, I felt my boobs felt sore and they felt quite big. What else was I feeling? I felt exhausted! Oh my goodness. The week before, I remember going to work in my office and then when I came home, I just fell asleep straight away, and I never, ever do that! I was just so, so exhausted.
So, I had pregnancy symptoms which urged me to take a test. When I took the test, the first test, I knew that I was pregnant, and honestly, I saw that positive result. I was two to three weeks pregnant. I was so speechless. My mouth dropped to the floor. I was so happy — like so incredibly happy.
I hadn’t told Joe. So, I literally ran down to Joe and he was like laying on the floor with the pig — ironically hugging the pig — and I was like, “I’m pregnant!” and his face just lit up. We just hugged each other for the longest time. In some respect, I felt like I’d let him down once I had the miscarriage. That’s the first person I was concerned about. I was like, “I have let Joe down.” And that is not the case, and he doesn’t feel like that at all.
Okay, so after having all the pregnancy symptoms and the implantation bleeding. A lot of women do get implantation bleeding and they actually think it’s their period when it’s not, so beware.
The next stage, I left it for a couple of weeks and then someone told me to go for an ultrasound. I just wanted to see my baby! Like, I wanted to see if I was pregnant. I think a lot of women do this. I took multiple tests even after taking a couple of tests initially because I didn’t believe I was pregnant. I just didn’t believe it.
So, I booked a private ultrasound; it cost around 70 pounds. When I went on the NHS calculator and I put in the date of my last period when I went to this first scan, I’d be six weeks. I went to Bristol for my first scan. Joe and I were super excited and we went in. It was a lovely little room; there were two ladies in there and they were welcoming, and it was a nice setup.
So, I led on the bed and I thought I had a full bladder, but I hadn’t, so they asked me to go to the toilet to empty anything existing in there and that they would have to do an internal scan. I mean, they’re not super comfortable, but they’re okay. And there we could see our little bean! It was amazing! They said at the time that the baby was healthy; everything looked great, including measurements, so yeah, I left that day so excited.
So, after the internal ultrasound, which was on a Friday, and then on Monday, I started to get spotting. Now, the spotting wasn’t blood, but it was like a light brown discharge. Initially, I wasn’t too worried because I read online, as you do, Dr. Google and a lot of people say that bleeding in early pregnancy is very common, so I wasn’t too alarmed. So, I thought I’d leave it a couple of days.
So, I got to the Thursday and I was still having this kind of brownish discharge, and I was starting to get worried. So, I called the early pregnancy people in my area, and they reassured me not to worry. It was probably from this internal scan; they probably dislodged a bit of old blood. They just basically told me that it was nothing to worry about, and that kind of made sense to me. So, I thought, “Okay, well, let’s just monitor this and see how we go.”
I left a couple of days ago, and on Saturday, I went for my first real appointment at the hospital where they were going to do a scan. I went in with Joe; I was so excited! It was almost like a dating scan, so I was a little bit nervous and anxious, but also so excited to see the baby and hear the heartbeat.
However, it was really weird because on that day, I didn’t have any bleeding at all. So, when they put me in the room, they said, “Okay, just lie back, we’ll get everything set up.” So, I was thinking, “Oh my god, we’re gonna see the heartbeat.” But I knew something was wrong the moment the lady started scanning me because she was quiet. I don’t know how to explain it, but there was just a feeling. I can’t explain it.
Anyway, she scanned and I could see the baby and there was no heartbeat. I will never forget the moment she said, “I’m sorry; I can’t find a heartbeat.” She said those words and I just went numb. I can’t remember what happened next, but all I know is I turned to Joe and I just broke down. I couldn’t stop crying. I was in complete shock; it was like the world just stopped.
The lady was so kind; she said, “Don’t worry, it happens to a lot of people.” And I was like, “Yeah, but why? Why does it happen to me?” It was just so heartbreaking. I couldn’t understand it. I had to be taken into another room, and they did blood tests. They told me my levels were really low and that it seemed I was having a miscarriage. I was in complete denial. I just kept thinking, “This isn’t happening to me.”
In the weeks that followed, the emotions were overwhelming. I was sad, angry, confused — so many feelings all at once. But talking about it with Joe and my family helped. I slowly started to come to terms with what had happened, and it was a process. I think I’ll always carry that experience with me, but I know it’s part of my journey.
So, moving forward from that, we decided to give it time. We wanted to heal, both physically and emotionally. The support from my loved ones made such a difference. When we felt ready, we started talking about trying again.
After a few months, I took another test, and — surprise! It was positive again! This time, I was anxious but hopeful. I immediately booked a scan, and to my relief, everything looked great. We even heard the heartbeat! I can’t even describe the joy of that moment. It felt like a victory.
Please do not suffer in silence. It is so incredibly common — it’s like one in four women will experience a miscarriage in their life, which is crazy! That’s like 25 percent. That’s such a high number. I have no idea why natural miscarriages are a taboo subject.
You should not feel embarrassed in the slightest. For me, talking about it was my absolute therapy. The day I had my natural miscarriage, I decided to share my natural miscarriage story on Instagram. I had so much support and so many other people sharing their miscarriage stories — male and female. Although it was so horrible to hear these stories, it made me feel not alone.
I genuinely felt like I was really stupid when I found out that I had a miscarriage. I felt embarrassed; I felt like my body let me down. I just felt so lost. I felt like I had lost something that I hadn’t even met before. If you have experienced a miscarriage, you will know that feeling of emptiness inside kills.
I mean, you don’t have to talk about it publicly like I did, but please talk to someone. There are some great charities out there. You’ve got the Miscarriage Association. You have a helpline and you can talk to a midwife. They have been amazing, so if you are struggling, please give them a call.
I know that everyone’s journey is different. Whether you’ve experienced loss or are just starting your journey, it’s okay to reach out, talk about your feelings, and seek help. Take your time, and be kind to yourself. This is my natural miscarriage story, and I hope it resonates with others who may be going through similar experiences. Remember, you are not alone in your natural miscarriage story. The more we share our natural miscarriage story, the more we can support each other. Let’s break the silence around this natural miscarriage story and allow healing to begin.