In August, my husband Brandon and I found out that we were pregnant, expecting our very first baby in April. It was the biggest dream come true. It was such a beautiful time: just getting to daydream and think of what our new addition to the family would be like and how our life would look. It was even more special than I had dreamed or anticipated.
So, we have been journeying through that, telling our family and celebrating with our loved ones. It was, again, so special and such a beautiful time. My weeks of pregnancy, especially weeks five through eight, were humbling.
I experienced some intense morning sickness and threw up quite a lot. But even though it was humbling and had its difficult moments, it felt like such an honor and privilege to experience that. I was in awe of God and creation, just this whole experience and all the rapid changes happening in my body and mind.
Reflecting on the joy we’ve experienced over the past few months has become a soft spot in what we’re going through right now. We went in for our first appointment with our OB and midwife team, which was great. We were so thankful to have found a team that we felt safe and comfortable with. It felt like a monumental day in our experience, so we were thankful for that.
Then, we had our first ultrasound and second appointment a couple of weeks later when I was around ten and a half weeks. Unfortunately, this day did not go as planned or hoped for. We had our ultrasound, and this was the very first ultrasound I’d ever experienced in my life, so I didn’t know what was happening. But we did see our baby, which was amazing.
It was so surreal to know that baby was inside of me and to see that. I remember asking the tech, “Will we get to hear the heartbeat?” However, it was silent.
I started to worry, and when we looked at the ultrasound again, I noticed it said 8 weeks 6 days, which was alarming to me because I was supposed to be close to 11 weeks. I told Brandon (husband) because, after I asked the ultrasound tech if we would get to hear the heartbeat, she said, “Your nurse will go over that with you.” I still, like, was so naive—I didn’t know.
So, we were just waiting a little bit to talk to our midwife. When she came in, she said, “Bad news,” and she told us there was no heartbeat found. It was one of those moments that truly felt like a nightmare. I remember saying to Brandon, “This can’t be real; please, I want to wake up. This is not real.” I was in complete shock for a few minutes.
I didn’t cry; I wasn’t angry. And I’m still, by the glory of God, not angry. But it just was so unbelievable because I wasn’t experiencing any signs of loss. From everything I could tell, the pregnancy was going well. As uncomfortable as it was, I felt so nauseous pretty much all day, and the morning sickness was intense. I feel like I had every quintessential pregnancy symptom—aversions, all of this—so it was just completely shocking.
I’m thankful to our midwife team because she was compassionate and warm and cried with us in the office. She’s amazing, and I’m so grateful we found her. I’m thankful for her empathetic nature and sympathy in that moment because, unfortunately, this isn’t new to her.
She experienced a miscarriage herself, so she was able to tell me a bit about her story. That has been a comforting part of this process—just the solidarity of other women’s stories and their strength. Hearing what they’ve gone through and just the hope in their stories and testimonies has been crucial to our healing process.
But yeah, that’s when we found out we miscarried our baby at 11 weeks. It’s just so quick how much everything changes. Those daydreams of what your life would have looked like just come tumbling down. Unfortunately, too, there are next steps you have to take and decisions you have to make, and the medical reality and risks with it all are also difficult. But it’s nice to have something to do to move forward, I guess you could say.
This has been a really difficult time, to say the least. We spent pretty much a week just in grief and mourning, weeping and holding each other. I’m so thankful for Brandon and his strength. We’ve been together for over 11 years, and nothing in our whole time together has been more intimate or brought us closer.
I’ve never seen him this broken either, which has been hard. But he’s always been so strong, making sure that I’m okay despite his pain. He’s just so servant-hearted toward me, making sure that I’m doing okay. It’s been one of those things where one of the only ways to comfort one another is just to hold each other in silence.
I’m really thankful for him and that I’ve never felt alone in this whole time because of my husband and also our community around us. That has been one of the most humbling and inspiring parts of this whole situation—the outpouring of immense love. We have been taken aback by how much we’ve felt cared for and cherished. We’ve received so many flowers, so much food, and so many prayers. The prayers have been felt.
I’m still distraught; I’m still very much healing and probably will always feel the sting of this miscarriage at 11 weeks for the rest of my life. But I also feel strong. If you could tell, I’m emotional, but I also feel very strong and very hopeful. The softness that God has covered us in is truly indescribable.
Just the hope—I’ve woken up in the morning and felt hope and joy. I’m just ready for the day. I’m sure I’ll have waves of really hard days and really beautiful days, but to me, it’s really important to continue to cling to the joy of this world. Yes, this experience of miscarriage at 11 weeks will always be with me, but I’m just trying to continue to heal, of course, but also continue to live.
Where do we go from here—I still have some time. The baby has not passed yet, so there have still been no signs of loss. I’m hoping everything will pass naturally, or I’ll have to go in for surgery, so we’ll see. But yeah, we’ve been praying for that. One thing that’s been healing for us is trying to honor this time and our baby.
We’ve been working on a little garden project; we planted a tree in honor of our baby, and I’m going to add some stepping stones and flowers and all of that. That has been healing. We’ll get to watch that tree grow and still hold this memory and this life in our hearts, having that representation close to our home.
We’ve done that, and another thing I’m working on is putting together a memory box—just any pictures, pregnancy tests, flower petals, and all of that. I’m going to put those in that box so we can have that and just sort of remember this experience. Those have been a couple of ways that have helped—bringing comfort and validity to the depth of it all and also just having those reminders that we can, God willing, show our future kids. This is a part of our family, something to hold on to.
I’m really thankful for this experience and am continuously working on and praying for a joyful heart for others too. I know with this experience, and with motherhood and family in general, there are so many emotions and layers that can go with it.
I’m so aware of and sensitive to the fact that everyone can have different experiences and emotions, but I am so excited and happy for others. Seeing pregnancy announcements and babies still brings me so much joy. Motherhood and this whole family experience have always amazed me, and I want to celebrate and learn about it.
I’m just really thankful. I’ve still had a heart of joy toward that. Not to say I won’t have hard days and stuff, but I’m just really thankful I’ve been able to be in a place where I’m still so excited. I still want to see my friends and family’s babies and celebrate all of that. I’m in pain. I hope joy and grief can beautifully coexist.
That’s something I actively want to pray for and work towards. And yeah, I don’t know what, hopefully, God willing, the next pregnancy will look like. I’ve had some people close to me go through similar experiences, and I know that kind of stepping into this again can bring a lot of anxiety, fear, and worries, which have crossed my mind. But I’m trying to cling to peace and hope before I start anything.
This was important for me to share for many reasons—just for full transparency about what’s been going on in our lives. I know so many women go through this; so many families go through this, both unspoken and spoken. I want you to have another person to lean on or find solidarity in.
You’re not alone. Something my OB said to me over and over again was, “It’s not your fault.” There are many reasons why this happens, unfortunately. So, we’re going to try to cling to the hope and the joy of the future and, of course, work on healing from this miscarriage story at 11 weeks.
My intrusive thoughts became reality. My miscarriage story at 14 weeks.
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